I painted this dragonfly on my Buick on October 3rd, 2019 as a tribute to my friend Darleen that passed away on Oct 3, 2008. Today, Nov 22, 2019, would have been her 32nd birthday.
I only have a few rituals on this day. One of them is to text or call her mom. Her mother imagines what her life would be… would she be married? Have kids? Have a career? Live near Chicago or over seas?
Since her passing I have formed many of my closest friendships, graduated film school, met Rebekah, got married, moved across the country and then back again, have made things, wasted days, and lived glorious ones too.
I miss her. Darleen was a force of laughter, lewd jokes and beauty. She was loud and funny and crass. All we can do in life is walk the path that unfolds before us. When she got cancer and had to walk that path, she did it with strength and anger and vitality. I wish more of the good friends I made in 2009 and onward could know her.
Losing a friend when I was 19 changed my approach to life. I opened up to experience. I’ve done things I would have never done. For example, I was micro-dosing on mushrooms in the image above (taken by Jordan Bellamy). I’ve said yes to new ideas about spirituality. I’ve said yes to new experiences I would have been more critical of when I was younger. I’ve been a mix of curious and grateful when I’m in nuanced situations.
In these situations I often think, “I’ve already lived x amount of years more than Darleen... my life is already a gift beyond what many get.”
My generation is a bit obsessed with sharing our experiences on social media and always trying to find value outside of ourselves. I’ve been guilty of that myself, assuredly. Now our work is to be in everyday experiences and highlight and elevate them from the inside out, I think. And this too, this basic appreciation, I began to learn by having a friend die when she was 20.
Today I walked on a bed of fallen leaves outside my front door and let gratitude be my focus as I heard the leaves crunch under my steps. What a truly wild and humbling experience.
I can’t give you a report on all that I’ve gained by expanding my experiences, but I do believe I’m closer to love and “The Source” (or God or Jesus or w/e words you use) than ever before in my life. Obviously, Rebekah and my friends would be the ones to to validate that statement, but it’s how I feel.
I hope you say yes to some new experiences. Even if they are the big ones (that motorcycle trip with your sibling or trip to Africa with your Dad or riding in Beyoncé’s limo or _____ ____ ___ ______). But more so, I hope you are present to the experiences available to you every day.
Much love. Thanks for reading. Your attention is a gift.
-Orion.
